


AU Star Wars AU

by acehandles



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Crack, Mild Sexual Content, The Author Regrets Everything, its just references tho but theres no tag for that f, nothing here is taken seriously, oh heres a good tag, seriously this thing is kinda incomprehensible, what do i even tag it as...
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24884308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acehandles/pseuds/acehandles
Summary: If anyone had asked Obi-Wan how he predicted his day would go, he wouldn't have said 'I'm planning on ending up trapped inside my own head with a gaggle of selves from alternate universes wrestling for control of the body', but here he is. Somehow.(I wrote this like three years ago, having not rewatched the prequels in some years, and also having not experienced a full nights sleep in about as long. Predictably its a weird mess with quite a few references to inside jokes, but I decided that the internet Deserves To See It.What can I say, 2020 has just been one of those centuries.)
Relationships: Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you read a whole bunch of time travel AUs while making random AUs of your own, and the idea of being sent into the body of your past self, and of there being many alternate universes, get mashed together in your brain, I guess.
> 
> Quick explanation of Passion of the Sith because I think knowledge of that is kinda required for this fic despite said knowledge only being held by like 20 people max and only 4 people In Depth: an AU where we have Darth Jar Jar (a Sith lord allergic to corn), Qui-Gon and Maul faked their deaths in TPM to elope, and Obi-Wan has powers of fourth wall breaking and. Also other powers; basically any powers that exist to be had, really.
> 
> (See end notes for descriptions of the Obi-Wans currently in the AU)

Obi-Wan kinda-sorta really hated being dragged into council meetings. Some unknown assailant makes one _tiny_ attempt on a senator's life, and now just because he knows her he has to stand around for Force knew how many hours discussing what to do about it? While the councilors got to sit, too. No, thanks.

To be fair, this matter probably could've been sorted within a matter of minutes, but the council seemed dead set on sending Obi-Wan and his padawan as their chosen Jedi guards. This was bad because the senator in question was one Padme Amidala, and Anakin was _horrendously_ thirsty for that sweet senator v - which was dumb in itself, but when you considered that they hadn't seen each other since their single meeting ten years ago, when Anakin was nine years old... Sometimes, Obi-Wan really _didn't appreciate_ Qui-Gon's guilt-trippy last words. Alas, Obi-Wan couldn't just reveal the little thirst factoid to the council, because attraction was Forbidden and Led To The Dark Side. As such, he didn't really have a solid argument as to why it _shouldn't_ be himself and his padawan taking up the mission.

"So it's settled then," Mace Windu said, staring directly at Obi-Wan in a manner that suggested he knew exactly how much he didn't want to go on this mission, and was sending him anyway purely because he was a _little bitch._ Of course, given the Jedi's thing for mind tricks, that wasn't entirely unreasonable to assume. "Anakin and Obi-Wan will serve as guards for Senator Amidala until the terrorists are captured."

Well, Force - _Fork_ \- help him, he was - _wait, fork?_ Obi-Wan paused his mental grumbling as another voice, which couldn't have been his own, despite sounding as such, because _why the fuck would he say fork instead of Force?_

_Why wouldn't you?_ The strange voice challenged. Obi-Wan was about to start in on why exactly that was an entirely stupid idea, when he noticed that the entire council was looking at him. Well shit; one of them must've said something.

Pretending he hadn't just been arguing with... himself? over the correct word for the Force  _ (Fork!), _Obi-Wan looked over to Yoda, deciding that completely ignoring the question was probably his best option. The typical Jedi method of avoidance, which would surely never backfire on them epically. "I'll go and collect Anakin; we'll be at the senate building as soon as possible."

* * *

Anakin wasn't in their apartment when Obi-Wan checked, so he decided that instead of looking for his padawan, he'd investigate his little fork problem with a little meditation.

By the time he'd cleared his mind properly, the strange voice had manifested itself into a copy of Obi-Wan himself, identical apart from in wardrobe choice; the other Obi-Wan was wearing clothing that resembled a uniform much more than the traditional Jedi garb, and even had a strange logo printed in red on the side. Even stranger - or perhaps not, if he'd recently seen a fight - his cloak was missing too. Said manifestation was tapping his foot irritably.

"Who are you?"

The strange fork imposter scoffed. "Who are  _ you_, not knowing the proper name for the Fork? I don't know what strange universe you come from, but I am a Jedi Master; I think I would know what to call the Fork."

"Bullshit," Obi-Wan returned succinctly. "Literally everyone in this universe calls it the Force. Whatever strange universe _you_ came from, you're outnumbered here." 

Obi-Wan shook his head. "Whatever. I'm just going to ignore you and get this dumb senator situation over with."

"Senator situation?" Fork!Obi-Wan echoed.

"What, have they replaced Senators in you world too? What with, Celery?" Obi-Wan accused. "There was an assassination attempt on Senator Amidala. That's why we were in that council meeting earlier."

Fork!Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. "The attempt on Senator Amidala's life? That was ages ago." He frowned and began pacing, his uniform robes staying stiff to his form. "Maybe that's why I'm here - the Fork probably sent me back in time to stop the clone wars."

"The clone wars?" It was True!Obi-Wan's time to echo. Then he decided that he didn't really give a shit what the fork lover had to say, because if he didn't even know what the Fork - Force, now _he_ was doing it - _Force -_ was called, he probably couldn't be trusted to be right on anything else. Obi-Wan, he decided then, was Outie. Mind made, the Jedi Knight - _not_ a Master, yet, and when he did become a Master, it would be of the Force, mind - made to leave his meditative state.

Naturally, he was somewhat concerned when he found he couldn't. Before he could register this concern as anything other than a confused expression, the other Obi-Wan grinned. "My body now." he gloated, and then vanished, leaving Obi-Wan trapped inside his own mind, only able to watch as an imposter led, and presumably fucked up, his life.

"Well shit."

* * *

Fork!Obi-Wan didn't know how he'd been deposited into the head of a different Obi-Wan who came from a universe where nobody knew how to name things properly, but he was willing to bet it was somehow the fault of Anakin. Provided that nothing _else_ in this messed up world was different, said apprentice would probably be in the hangar, fiddling with some new model of ship or conversing with 'his' - quote unquote, because of course Jedi didn't have possessions - droid.

It became apparent some three corridors away from his intended destination that Anakin was most certainly in the hangar.

"What the _fuck_ do you mean its called the Force?"

Obi-Wan walked just a little faster. He was nearly at the hangar, maybe he could step in before Anakin foolishly ruined their chance to -

"I hate this stupid Jedi order, why can't you just settle on a god damn name?"

Obi-Wan rounded the corner to see Anakin screaming his head off at a padawan, who was clearly in his early teens at most.

"Anakin!" Obi-Wan shouted, and the teen snapped to attention. Obi-Wan waited for the other to arrive, using the time to mentally plan out what he was going to say. 'Anakin, please learn to pay attention to your surroundings instead of acting like a little shit constantly' was the most appealing option, but also one likely to send Anakin into a Sulk.

He was practically sulking already by the time he arrived at his master's side, pouting and looking determinedly at the floor.

"Follow me," Obi-Wan said, striding off at as fast a pace he could achieve without breaking into a run. He figured he probably had a few seconds before Anakin decided to get mad at _him_ instead, and he really wanted to have the whole inter-dimensional time-travel conversation in a more secluded spot.

A quick glance confirmed that Anakin had reached Terminal Pout; Obi-Wan was out of silence time. "I'm going to explain," he said, cutting off Anakin just as he opened his mouth.  _Nailed it. (Oh fuck off anyone who's known him for more than ten minutes can work out his tantrum timing you smug prick.) _

"Then explain!" Anakin snapped. Obi-Wan would've felt embarrassed at his constant public humiliation of a padawan, but A) he was far too used to this shit by now, and B) everyone _else_ was, so they'd all got the hell out of dodge the second they'd seen Anakin's darkened expression.

Well, Obi-Wan _had_ wanted privacy. "Okay, I'll explain now, since you've so kindly cleared this corridor for us with your charms. If you'd tried to assess the situation a little before rushing into arguments -" _ It's hardly assessing the situation to try and question my knowledge of the Force and stumble upon a little information,_ True!Obi-Wan interrupted. "It's the _Fork_ you absolute buffoon!"

Anakin stared.

Obi-Wan coughed. _I_ _ hope you're happy; Anakin probably think's I've gone mad now!  _ "I mean... If you'd assessed the situation, like _I_ did, you'd know that we've traveled back in time. The clone wars haven't started yet." He paused to let that sink in. "A side effect seems to be that we've also been sent into a universe where everyone is - quite stupidly, if you ask me - calling the Fork the Force."

Anakin gaped. "So we have the chance to stop the clone wars?"

Obi-Wan smiled. "Yes. Now, we're currently at the point where  that shapeshifter  has just tried to kill Padme, so we don't have much time to change things - be on guard for anything you could change... and make sure its for the better!"

"You have so little faith," Anakin accused with a laugh.

* * *

It took about twenty minutes in the midday traffic to reach the senate building. It took five more to get to Padme. And it took approximately thirty seconds for Fork!Obi-Wan to relinquish control to his counterpart.

_I am_ not _dealing with that thirst all over again,_ Fork!Obi-Wan explained as True!Obi-Wan experienced a moment of confusion at suddenly having a physical form to control again, and any happiness he could've felt at his regained agency was immediately quashed in that explanation.  _Ah yes,_ Obi-Wan remembered,  _the sweet senator v. Joy._

Obi-Wan resisted the urge to cry while Anakin made some painfully weak flirting attempts, which were, horrifyingly, seeming to work - _oh yes, they get married._

"They  _what?"_ Obi-Wan gasped. Anakin, Padme, and all of Padme's security guards and handmaidens turned to look at him with varying degrees of ability to mask their opinion that Obi-Wan had mentally snapped.

_ It's true,  _ Fork!Obi-Wan said. Inside Obi-Wan's mind, he was grinning.  _ Also, you might want to try and salvage the situation. You just said that out loud. _

"Shit..." Obi-Wan muttered. "Sorry about that," he apologised with fake serenity he learnt from Qui-Gon, "We think we have a lead on the assassin situation. I'll be right back." And then he left the room, leaving the non- _Force_ users to assume that the Jedi operated on some sort of hive mind.

As soon as the automatic doors slid shut behind him, Obi-Wan burst into tears. "I'm going to have to deal with them as a _ married couple?"_

The Obi-Wan in his head hadn't stopped smiling. _Why do you think I'm in here? Have fun dealing with that! _

_ Fuck that,  _ Obi-Wan decided, and moved into a sitting position a little out of the way of the door. _I'm going back in there, and I'm not leaving until something happens that's not Anakin flirting. _

_ You'd leave Anakin to his own devices like that? _

_ He's from the future, right? I'm sure he's managed to learn _ something _in that time._

* * *

Anakin hadn't really learnt anything, and even if he had done it wouldn't be helpful here, because seeing his wife and knowing that she didn't know of their Truest and Most Non-Problematic love put him back into an angsty mood, and he let the other Anakin come back.

True!Anakin was an Anakin used to ignoring discussion and letting Obi-Wan get on with it, but apparently his mentor had experienced a mental breakdown, and hadn't yet returned. Since then he'd been attempting to flirt with Padme (if the fork weirdo could get married to _his_ version, True!Anakin must have pretty good chances).

* * *

It took the rest of the day for something to happen that wasn't Anakin flirting, and that was Anakin finally thinking to go after his missing master, and kicking True!Obi-Wan out of his meditative state.

Obi-Wan glared at his padawan as he stood up and dusted down his robes. "Which Anakin am I talking to now then?"

"Force Anakin," Anakin responded. "The other guy's still angsting about his w - uh, his friend."

Obi-Wan gave Anakin his best deadpan stare. "Anakin, please, it's obvious to anyone with eyes that you want to slam Padme against a wall and kiss her until she can't remember her name."

Anakin stared. "That's strangely specific."

"... _Anyway, _ I guess we're standing guard tonight?"

"Yep," Anakin confirmed. "Padme won't let us stand in her room though."

Internally, Fork!Obi-Wan was gagging. Externally, True!Obi-Wan contained himself to simply grimacing. Instead of  dignifying  that with a response, he pushed past his apprentice into the other room.

Anakin followed, and the two stood in an awkward silence. Every few minutes Anakin looked like he might try to say something, but Obi-Wan had mastered exuding an aura of Don't Talk To Me, so each time he quit before he even opened his mouth.

Sometime into hour three of this routine, Anakin finally got so far as to open his mouth. He timed this perfectly, and most importantly dramatically, with the sudden shift in the Force, Fork... whatever, that both Jedi felt.

Finally, Obi-Wan paid attention to his padawan. "Bet you that's some deadly creature invading Padme's room."

They opened the door, and sure enough some weird ass slugs were making their way over to Padme.

"Those are gross," Anakin decided, and then chopped them all in half with some well-timed lightsaber slashes and a bunch of fancy Jedi acrobatics.

The  hum  of his lightsaber woke Padme up, while Anakin was stood on her bed (the prime slug chopping position, honestly, nothing to do with his thirst, why do you ask). Fork!Anakin took pity on his bad flirt of a younger self and assumed control simply to smirk at the senator.

Back at the entrance to the room, Obi-Wan turned away from the scene, and in doing so noticed a suspicious droid looking in through the window.

"Welp, I'm out of here," he said, then jumped directly out of the window.

Both Anakin and Padme stared at the broken widow.

"Anakin," Padme said, without turning her head, "Knight Kenobi is fucking wild."

* * *

One awkward farewell and a stolen speeder later, Anakin was flying through  Coruscant  looking for his master, Obi-Wan 'Cock Block' Kenobi. Apparently the droid he'd dived after didn't exactly go at top speeds with a fully grown man's weight added to it, so pretty much all he had to do was drive back round to the broken window.

Obi-Wan saw him as he arrived, and dropped down into the spare seat at the side. "We need to follow that droid," he said, pointing upwards.

Anakin rolled his eyes, because of course they did, what kind of idiot did Obi-Wan take him for? He turned the speeder into a nosedive - it would make the chase cooler, and the droid looked like it was about to head in that direction anyway, which was a bonus - and then potato.

* * *

True!Obi-Wan found himself ejected from his own body again. "God damn it Fork me, I had it under control!" he shouted at his general consciousness when he manifested in his mind again.

"I know you did." Fork!Obi-Wan replied, mysteriously also present in the mindscape. "I don't know who's in control right now, but it clearly isn't either of us..."

* * *

Outside, Potato!Obi-Wan was in control. Despite the name, he wasn't actually a potato, but Anakin Skywalker definitely was.

_ What's your deal then? _ Fork!Obi-Wan asked.

"My deal?" Potato!Obi-Wan asked, still trying to understand what was going on - seconds ago, he'd been in the middle of council meeting where the Jedi Masters had once again assembled to try and work out what crazy turn of events led to a potato getting an actual knighthood in the order, and how said potato wasn't fucking gross given how long it'd been since Obi-Wan had inexplicably taken it on as an apprentice at the request of, now that they really thought about it, the probably insane Qui-Gon Jinn.

_You know, your deal._ True!Obi-Wan repeated.  _ This guy thinks the Fork is called the - wait no he thinks the  _ Force _ is called the Fork. I'm guessing you've got something weird too. Also, bit off topic, but had you noticed that Anakin doesn't seem conscious?_

"Of course he isn't conscious," the Jedi in control scoffed, "He's a potato."

_A potato,_ both other Obi-Wans deadpanned in unison.

"... I think it's weird too, honestly. The thought that maybe he isn't _supposed _ to be a potato makes sense."

_ Force!Obi-Wan raised a good point, you know,  _ Fork!Obi-Wan said.

"And what would that be?"

_ If we're all just chatting, and Anakin's a potato... then who's flying the speeder? _

Obi-Wan took a moment to actually pay attention to his surroundings, and realised that the speeder had been dropping for some time. It was a miracle, really, that it hadn't crashed yet. Unfortunately none of the Obi-Wans got to appreciate that for very long, because they were only a few metres off the ground and travelling vertically down at terminal velocity.

* * *

Two days of floating in a bacta tank later, Anakin and Obi-Wan were healed enough for a lovely council meeting.

_ It's nice to see that hatred of these things is mutual,  _ Fork!Obi-Wan told Potato!Obi-Wan inside their shared headspace.

True!Obi-Wan, who had tragically lost the three-way rock-paper-scissors death match, was too busy being in control of the body to wipe the smug looks off the faces of his counterparts. Also he was pretty busy trying to come up with an explanation of the events that didn't end in him being branded as insane.

"Tell us what went wrong, you will." Yoda demanded.

Anakin looked over at Obi-Wan. "I'd like to know that too."

Obi-Wan sighed. "We found a droid that belonged to the assassin, and we were going to chase after it in... the speeder... but then..."

"Then  _what?"_ Mace Windu pressed.

Obi-Wan looked across the assembled masters. They all looked curious at best, and pissed at Mace Windu. _For the record, potato guy, I still say it should be you  explaining this._

"Then Anakin turned into a potato."

"I think I'd remember that," Anakin said before any of the Jedi Masters could start mumbling between themselves too loudly.

Mace Windu raised an eyebrow, conveying a level of Unimpressed that mere mortals could never hope to achieve.

"Okay so... recently my future self from a universe where they call the Force the Fork instead turned up in my head, and I guess our future selves from a universe where you're a potato showed up," Obi-Wan said, mostly to Anakin's benefit.

"That would explain... the potato," Anakin said, eyes going faraway for a moment as he concentrated on his inner selves.

"What it  _doesn't_ explain," Mace Windu, who in Obi-Wan's humble opinion could really fuck right off, said, "is why you crashed. Witness reports claim you were in free fall for a good few minutes."

True!Obi-Wan restrained himself, with some effort, from giving a sarcastic response. This was made easier when he found himself once again ejected from control, and standing in the void with the other two Obi-Wans. "Oh for Force's sake, who _now?" _

To the outside viewer, the transition from True to Mystery New Obi-Wan went more like this:

  
-an explosion of inexplicable rose petals,  
-a wall-of-sound loud blast of Toxic, by Britney Spears,  
-Obi-Wan was now gently sparkling and also draped sexily over a chair that had not been present seconds ago.

That's right, bitches, it's mother fucking Passion Of The Sith!Obi-Wan.

The new, vastly superior version of everyone's favourite fandom angst man got right up in Mace Windu's grill. "Look, babe," he said, somehow heard over the deafening ringing still in everyone's ears, "If  you  had someone turn up in your brain uninvited I'm sure _you'd_ be a little bit distracted too. Unfortunately, you're not main enough of a character for that to happen. Have fun being irrelevant."

Obi-Wan dropped a microphone, which existed exactly from the moment he dropped it to the moment it bounced satisfyingly off the floor before popping out of existence once more, then waltzed out with nothing more to say than "Kenobi  _out ."_

The moment he left the room, all rose petals and ear-ringing disappeared.

Anakin - Passion!Anakin - was the first to recover. "He's always like this. Anyway, I'm just gonna take my Order-sanctioned holiday with my future wife now, if you don't mind..."

* * *

_ What the fuck happened in your universe to make you turn out like this? _ One of the Obi-Wans asked. Specifically, 'this' referred to Passion!Obi-Wan's decision to go around in a cloak and speedos.

Passion!Obi-Wan looked off, not into the distance, but at a very specific point a few feet away. "It just be like that at times, am I right?"

The three other Obi-Wans looked between each other and collectively shrugged.

_ Also, where are we going? _

_ Oh, just off to kill a Sith lord, no biggie.  _ Obi-Wan replied cheerfully, internally this time. Externally, the soundtrack to his life was getting a little too loud for speech to carry into the void.

_ "Since he is incapable of viewing, it's decaying his cells,"  _ the Jedi screeched. He didn't have a bad singing voice, it's just that Mr Soncside really gets a new dimension when screamed. _"T_ _hey're assuming authorittyyyy!" _

The speeder salesman stared at the performance in confusion, as did everyone else on the street in the vicinity of the Bop. He stood motionless (except for his hair blowing gently backwards from sheer Bop Force) as Obi-Wan casually stole a speeder and left, astral projecting his voice to keep it directly in front of his awed audience.

_So,_ True!Obi-Wan ventured once the song was over, _who _ is _the Sith we're going after? _

"Darth Jar Jar, obviously."

_ What the fuck. _

"It's totally a legit theory!" Obi-Wan defended. "He's Totally Pissed," (the other Obi-Wans took a brief moment to wonder at how their superior non-clone could capitalise words audibly), "because Qui-Gon ain't his b.f."

The speeder was fast approaching the senate building. "You know," Obi-Wan continued conversationally, "this would be the perfect time for an author insert appearance. If only they were this much," he gestured with his hands, like that robot picture that's like 'I'm this close' and even when its zoomed in it looks like the fingers are touching, you know what I mean, "more morally corrupt."

And then they were at the senate building.

It was surprisingly easy to find Jar Jar once they were in. Nobody knew the Gungan by name, but once Obi-Wan learnt to describe him as 'that really irritating guy who just... really needs to learn what to do with his tongue', he started getting somewhere.

As it turns out, Jar Jar was currently tailing Padme ("He must be trying to get information out of her about Qui-Gon and Maul's locations!"), who was talking to Palpatine.

All conversation in the room stopped when Obi-Wan made his Entrance. "Hi there Palpitations," he said, and threw a quick wink in the crusty old guy's direction, "Hi Padme.  _ Hi Jar Jar." _

And then he thrust his lightsaber deep inside Jar Jar's disgusting mouth.

"Alright, I'd say I'm done here," Obi-Wan said, dropping the corpse at the feet of one of Padme's random handmaidens.  "See y'all later."

* * *

"Do you think it was a good idea to tell the Order we're married?" Anakin - the original Anakin, who really thought it was kinda rude that he'd spent practically no time in control of his body lately - asked his fellow Anakins currently in the void.

The Anakin who was a potato, predictably, just remained being a potato. The other Anakin, who was still complaining occasionally about the Force vs Fork situation, shrugged. "Was it a good idea for that new Obi-Wan to start a strip tease in the middle of the temple?"

Anakin shuddered. The image of his master slowly, sensually removing his robes to a jazz remix of Evacuate The Dancefloor - Cascada (a song he didn't recognise, so why he knew its name was beyond him) was going to be eternally burned into his retinas. The sparkles, the rose petals... and, even worse, the fact that Passion!Anakin hadn't left until Obi-Wan was down to a red pair of speedos.

Passion!Anakin was unrepentant. "Look guys, that performance was _nothing_ compared to some of the shit I've seen. If you want to survive knowing my Obi-Wan you're just going to have to get used to it."

True!Anakin pouted. Of course, only his stupid master could find a thousand and one new ways to ruin his life without even doing anything. "Well," he said, both metaphorically and literally only to himself, "at least we've escaped his wrath now and we can just concentrate on spending time with Padme."

Naturally, this incurred the wrath of a god secondary in power only to Passion!Obi-Wan himself, the God of Irony. This consisted of Obi-Wan shooting across the screen through which Anakin now viewed his life, followed closely by a fleet of federation security officers. The screen shook as Passion!Anakin nodded to himself. 

"He's killed the sith," he informed the rest of the Anakins. "That's good - means we don't have to deal with Darth Jar Jar."

Statistically speaking, two out of four Anakins are surprised by that fact. However, factoid just statistical error. Potato!Anakin Georg, who is a potato and thus holds no opinion on the petty affairs of the human race or indeed any other sentient life forms, is an outlier adn should not have been counted. So, basically, 66.67% of Anakins were surprised. "Darth _Jar Jar?"_ these two Anakins said, surprised.

"You know, that's what 75% of all Obi-Wans said," Passion!Obi-Wan said. Now, you may ask yourself, how is he here if he was just seconds ago engaged in Awesome Speeder-Chase Action Running From The Cops Oh Yeah What A Badass? There's a perfectly reasonable explanation, and that explanation is because that bitch can Astral the fuck Project.

"Whatever dude," Passion!Anakin said, because even when an Anakin is gifted with such true Majesty as Passion!Obi-Wan as a master, he doesn't appreciate it and instead starts on the slippery slope of angst. As Green-Nips Georg always said: 'Angst leads to being a little bitch, being a little bitch leads to murder of aliens in the middle of nowhere on Tatooine, murdering aliens in the middle of nowhere on Tatooine leads to being Extra, and being Extra leads to easy manipulation by Sith lords with connections to the senate and also these really gross,, eyes,,, feet,,, he's just generally disgusting, okay?' It was a quote that Anakin had always thought was strangely specific, but then again Green-Nips was like 900 years old and probably senile, so he didn't really worry about it all that much. 

"Can we get back to Padme?" the Anakin who didn't yet know that his entire existence hinged on the fact that one time he'd made frivolous use of the force in a manner where replacing force with fork could be construed as humorous asked impatiently.

Passion!Anakin refrained from giving his counterpart the existential crisis to end all existential crises, and instead waved a cheery goodbye to his astral projecting master before carrying on with the short walk to the senate to collect a probably-traumatised Padme.

When he arrived at the senate building the first thing Anakin did was take a piss, because frankly Jedi can't hold it in all day like the Force doesn't work like that. It was Super McFreakin Awkward because there was like, a Jabba the Hutt species of alien in there and, like, have you ever seen one of those guys piss? Anakin sure hadn't, and he wasn't no perv but,, he had to admit he was curious.

So, one mildly traumatising (as it turns out he did _not_ want to know the answer) bathroom break later, True!Anakin entered Padme's room. (Passion!Anakin had retreated to a corner of the void to Reflect On All He Had Seen.)

"Anakin?" Padme said as he entered. She sounded slightly wary. "You're not here to kill someone and accuse them of being a Sith, are you?"

Anakin put the Other Thoughts out of his mind with some effort, and shook his head. "Not unless one of the rest of you are a Sith?" he joked. Palpatine looked oddly disturbed by that statement.

"I really don't think that Jar Jar was a Sith either," Padme said, eyes skirting towards the pile of what was once a Gungan possible-Sith lord.

Anakin shrugged. "I... think I might trust Obi-Wan on this one. Jar Jar was sketchy as hell. No _way_ someone's that stupid and actually survives more than two years of life."

"Anyway," Padme continued, "What took you so long? Obi-Wan said you'd be coming over soon so you can start as my personal bodyguard."

"I was... processing some things," Anakin shuddered, trying desperately not to think of what he could only describe as 'horrendous' and also, strangely, 'turtle-esque'. Passion!Anakin had provided that description, and True!Anakin had to admit it sounded right. "But I'm  here now. The Jedi think it would be best if you went back to Naboo." Or at least that's the conclusion they _would've_ come to, if Passion!Obi-Wan hadn't... just _hadn't._

Padme smiled humourlessly. "I guess that's for the best, even if I _did_ come here to stop that army plan. Palpatine, you'll carry on fighting for it in my absence, right?"

Palpatine smiled in that way that only politicians can; a smile that looked as though perhaps _he_ thought it was genuine, but looked fake and also creepy to everyone else. "Of course, my dear."

Anakin coughed awkwardly. "Okay, we should probably be going now. Need to pack your stuff and all."

* * *

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Coruscant's newest most wanted criminal (to be fair, he was probably wanted to give him an award now that they'd IDed the body), currently piloted by True!Obi-Wan, was Somewhat Irate.

"What was that for?" he asked the astral projection of Passion!Obi-Wan, who was Less Irate.

"I told you, he's a Sith. I just saved you, Qui-Gon, and Maulikins a whole load of effort. Now maybe they wont have to make quite so much corn to keep him at bay."

Obi-Wan pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's not what happened in this universe. Darth Maul and Qui-Gon are dead. _Really_ dead," he amended upon seeing Passion!Obi-Wan's expression, "not just pretending like yours are." Honestly, Obi-Wan wasn't sure if Passion's Maul and Jinn were _actually_ alive, or if he'd just mentally snapped when his master died. Frankly, neither option would actually surprise him anymore. 

_You know,_ Fork!Obi-Wan, who couldn't astral project, piped up from the void. _My universe is quite a bit more similar to yours, and I can't help but notice that we should really be on Kamino right now. Otherwise, we might not have a chance to actually_ do something _about the war._

Passion!AstralProjection scoffed. "We don't need to go to Kamino. It's so _boring,_ and besides, we can just text the order, tell them whatever you found out first time."

"I still think we should stop by," Obi-Wan protested, "if for nothing else than to check that things are actually on track for the Fork!Universe stuff to happen."

"What _ever,"_ Passion!Projection said. "Fine, we can go to Kamino. So, next chapter will probably start with us there already."

Obi-Wan shared an internal look with his Fork! self, who also looked none the wiser. "Whatever you say... I guess..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discovered the second chapter that I also wrote several years ago in the notes on my phone and I'm burdening the world with its existence, you're all welcome.
> 
> For this one, if you haven't seen/heard the Bushes of Love bad lip reading, then you won't get like. 50% of the joke in this chapter. Recommend checking that out, and also the new chess video (I found it on youtube as 'how to play chess properly' but that's not the OG source). Even if you don't care about Understanding The Chapter, they're pretty funny. Oh, also Paper Mario references.

We next meet our hero(s, all in the same body) on, of all planets, Kamino.

"And we're back," Passion!Obi-Wan, not actually in control but still astral projecting, said. "About time too, it's been a week!"

Normie!Obi-Wan shot his counterpart a raised eyebrow. "The trip to Kamino can't have taken any more than a day, and you were here the whole time. Trust me," he said, eyes deep and haunted, "I Know." (One good point of the trip: all Obi-Wans could now capitalise vocally.)

Passion!Obi-Wan shook his head. "Ya'll're boring," he said wisely, "we need some more people with 4th wall privileges all up in here."

And the universe... didn't _quite_ deliver.

True!Obi-Wan blinked and found himself back in the mindscape, along with all three of his alternate selves (Passion!Obi-Wan, while astral projecting, was in reality sitting in a meditative pose inside the collective mind), who all shrugged.

The new Obi-Wan recognised immediately that he was in a different location, and dropped into a into a low stance, arms raised in anticipation as his eyes darted about suspiciously. After a while he relaxed and stood again. "Kamino," he said to himself, and also unwittingly to his four new brain-mates, "I remember this place. No bushes."

_No bushes?_ Fork!Obi-Wan questioned.

Passion!Obi-Wan grinned, and pre-recorded studio applause seemed to seep out from his very expression. "Bushes!Obi-Wan, I presume?"

"Bushes?" The newcomer screamed, lightsaber out in a flash. "Where?"

_Glad to see we've found someone even more insane than this Passion guy,_ Fork!Obi-Wan muttered over to his potato and Force selves.

Meanwhile, in the real world, Passion!Obi-Wan had finished explaining the situation to the Bushes Of Love Obi-Wan.

"So, what you're saying is..." that particular Obi-Wan said cautiously, almost disbelieving, "Is that... there's nothing waiting in the bushes for us?"

Passion!Obi-Wan nodded. "There's nothing waiting in the bushes of love," he confirmed.

_If this is our guy, then what on Coruscant do you think his Anakin is like?_ Normie!Obi-Wan wondered, horrified, as the Obi-Wan burst into tears. ("Every day I'd worried all day, and now, I can finally relax!")

_Meh,_ Fork!Obi-Wan said, _I bet he's fine._

* * *

Over on Naboo, a set of Anakins who all couldn't astral project were attempting to explain the same situation to their new Anakin without looking like they'd just lost their mind in front of Padme. Given that Naboo was a planet of exquisite life and natural beauty, including, as a casual example, a few bushes...

"HOLY MC FUCKING SHIT WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ITS A BUUUUUUSSSSHHHHHH!"

... Things weren't looking too good on the 'don't look insane' front.

_For the love of the Fork would you just stop screaming!_ an Anakin - I'll let y'all guess which one - screamed internally.

Padme, who didn't have the luxury of literally not existing on the same plane of reality as the Nonsense currently occurring, unknowingly shared Anakin's sentiment. She had her arms wrapped around her Jedi escort in an attempt to keep him in one place - he'd been running in circles for a few minutes now, having to turn constantly because of the sheer amount of foliage. "What's gotten _into_ you?"

Anakin fell limp suddenly, becoming a dead weight that Padme dropped in surprise, then jumped back up as though he hadn't just seconds before been screaming about the bushes in the vicinity. 

"Sorry about that. Passion!Anakin here, an Anakin who I'm sure you'll be simply thrilled to know doesn't have even the slightest amount of bush-related trauma!"

Padme stared at the unusually chipper Jedi. "I'm sorry, _what?"_

Anakin sighed. "Okay, guess I'll have to catch you up. Basically a whole bunch of versions of me from different universes are... using some weird force trick to put themselves into the mind of this Anakin."

Padme could accept that; Force shit was Weird, and everyone knew it.

"What just happened is that we've gained a new Anakin - current total of five, myself included, by the way - that is, for reasons unknown, completely terrified of, of all things, bushes."

"Ah," Padme said.

"Same," the Anakin before her agreed.

"So... which Anakin are _you?"_ she asked.

"Not yours," Anakin answered shortly, then elaborated: "I'm from a universe where Obi-Wan is... a much more _interesting_ character than he is here. He has some sort of... cosmic powers, calls them 'Fourth Wall Breaking Skillz(tm)'. There's a few other differences, but since no one but me and him are here from that universe, I guess it doesn't matter."

Passion!Obi-Wan, only the head, astral projected into view. "Are you sure about that?" he said, and then was gone.

"Yeah," Anakin said, noticing Padme's slack-jawed expression, "he's like that. Anyway, I feel as though Bushes!Anakin is going to be turning up again pretty soon, so you might want to get us out of this bush-infested zone."

* * *

Far Too Long later, safely inside a building that didn't have any potted plants of _any_ sort, Anakin allowed the latest member of the Anakin Squad back out into the real world for questioning under Padme. For safety, he was also taped down to a chair.

"Okay," Padme said, "What was _that_ all about?"

Bushes!Anakin stared ahead, haunted. "Forty-nine times, we fought that beast," he said. "Obi-Wan and me," he added at Padme's confused look. "It was a chicken man, with duck feet... and a woman's face too."

"Uh, that's... something..." Padme said, wondering what kind of lackadaisical counselling the Jedi must have to produce this particular mess.

"And it was waiting in the bushes for us," Anakin continued, as though Padme had never spoken. "And it ripped off my face. I was screaming something awful," he added, strangely conversational.

"I can believe _that,"_ Padme said, thinking back to their arrival on Naboo. "Okay, good to know you have some weird kind of trauma going on."

* * *

"Lmao how long did those guys spend on Naboo anyway?" Obi-Wan said, mid-tour of the clone making facilities. "Long enough to 'fall in love', but all I do in the meantime is just... be on Kamino. Guess I get to holiday for a while."

He broke off his monologue to stare dramatically out of a window. The Kaminoens were confused; the window had not been there before, they were sure, and also the world seemed to be fading to black and white the longer the Jedi stared. 

Then he turned back to the cloners, and everything snapped back to normal.

"Not really the weather for a vaycay, but I can deal. So, what's for lunch?"

* * *

Apart from the initial bad start brought about by Bushes!Anakin, Anakin thought his wooing of Padme was going along quite nicely. They were spending their days prancing in fields and ignoring the internal, eternal (thankfully not external) screaming about bushes, and only suffering mildly from the nightmares at night, and - _oh shit, the nightmares!_

"What of them?" Normie!Anakin said, out loud despite Padme's presence because for some unknown reason she didn't think he was insane when he did that. He'd stopped worrying about his nightmares with the arrival of all his alternate universe selves, perhaps in part because he was literally losing his grip on reality what with the hours spent in The Void each day.

_ They're prophetic! We need to get to Tatooine Right Now! _

Anakin jolted upwards from the lounge seat he and Padme were sharing, and started towards the hangar their current location oh-so-conveniently had. "What do we need to do?"

* * *

When they finally touched down on Tatooine, it was Passion!Anakin in charge. The rest were all too busy either screaming about the inevitable death of their mother, or potato.

_Oh, Fork,_ GuessWhich!Anakin said as his Passion self stepped out into the harsh heat of the double suns, _Sand. Disgusting._

There was a general consensus amongst the Anakins; sand was coarse, rough, irritating, it got everywhere -

"So, where to next?" Passion!Anakin, hardened by a life in proximity to Passion!Obi-Wan and thus somewhat less susceptible to angst-ing and general fuckboi-ery, asked. One of the other Anakins got a handle on themselves for long enough to give a direction, and then the whole bunch started screaming hatred for grainy substances at large as Passion!Anakin started off at a brisk pace towards the group of tusken raiders.

The screaming lasted the entire way to the small settlement, only stopping once Passion!Anakin found the small tent his mother was held captive in.

"Ani?" The woman said weakly. This would be a source of angst, and indeed the Anakins not in control were absolutely shitting themselves over this one, and I mean yeah I guess it'd be kinda sad and all, except the movie until now was, lets face it, kinda shite, and we're all only here for the giggles anyway so even though this is like, such a pivotal point in him becoming Vader or whatevz, fuck it.

"Yep," Anakin said, popping the P cause fuck all y'all. "But not _your_ one, technically. Weird alternate universe shit, you probably wouldn't understand, you see..." And then he stopped talking because Shimi Skywalker was too busy being a tragically dead lady, and the Angst of the other Anakins increased exponentially. In fact, it increased so much that they collectively had enough man power to knock Passion!Anakin off his Actually Existing On This Corporeal Plane We Are All Forced To Inhabit throne, and an amalgamation of Anakin's teen angst, whom we shall now call Angstakin, took control.

"Noooooo!" He yelled dramatically, in a manner one might scream if, for example, you'd just been told your dad was some super bad guy, or something. And then he sobbed bitterly into the horrendous sand, which he hated so much, why did life have to take everything from him he had it The Worst out of all the Jedi order and also his mentor had literally lost his mind and his girlfriend wasn't even his girlfriend yet because one of his alternate selves had put his flirting attempts back a step or forty nine because of his fucking bush related issues, and it just _wasn't fair,_ and -

"Gosh golly darn do I love sand!"

_What the ever loving fuck._ The Angstakin amalgamation asked, rather politely, as they were shoved back into the mindscape and the Angstakin nightmare started to dissipate, and their original personalities began returning to them as they collectively took a leaf out of the Jedi book of Getting Over Yourself.

The new Anakin, who had a strangely sunny disposition for a normal person, let alone an Anakin (seriously even the potato looked pretty angsty. Y'ever seen a potato with emo eyeliner? No? Well you don't want to but fuck if I didn't just make you imagine it hahha sucks to be y'all losers), bent down to sniff the roses of life. 

Unfortunately the metaphor fell apart pretty quickly, because the only thing on the floor other than the floor itself was a corpse. In an effort to avoid face-planting into his newly-deceased mother, the new Anakin changed his trajectory and ended up face-planting into the (not so) cold, hard ground instead. At this point his mood was dampened somewhat. 

But then he saw some sand, and everything was sunshine and rainbows.

"Sand, my love!" Anakin yelled, then dived bodily into the baking grains, somehow ignoring the collective screeches from all the other Anakins, a despair so strong it was tangible to those inhabiting the physical realm. It was so strong it actually killed all the tusken raiders, which was convenient because writing out a whole load of action sounds boring and its 2 am and the fourth walls already been fucked directly up the ass and i... just wrote about nearly sniffing corpses? Anyway this Anakin is just absolutely Rolling around in the sand at this point and the other Anakins are really hating it. Apart from potato Anakin because potatoes are benevolent creatures, they do not have it within themselves to do any wrong, they are my perfect sons who i would die for,

* * *

"Anyway, here's Wonderwall," Passion!Obi-Wan's astral projection said, materialising a guitar.

The Obi-Wan in charge of the body - Potato, currently - raised an eyebrow, because its hard to summarise confusion, distaste and just a hint of extreme burning rage that will consume all in its path in one simple sentence unless you want a character who exists solely to raise their eyebrow. "What's brought this one on?"

"Anakin was getting a bit weird, and a bit boring, and really its just traditional to stop a potato monologue at the nearest comma and leave people hanging," Obi-Wan said. 

Whether this was sensical or not depended entirely on whether you were privy to the fourth wall's existence or not.

"I don't get et," said the Obi-Wan, who was _not,_ as it turned out, privy to such things, but alas: Passion!Obi-Wan was already strumming out those Ill Beats on the guitar, so there was no hope of getting an actual, non-musical response out of him until the song finished. And that was providing he didn't do a salt and pepper diner special and play them the song eleven times in a row again.

"Today," he sung, lyrically masterful, truly this man had the X Factor, "is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you." And somehow, before he found out what exactly he was s'pposed to do, the copyright infringement police came down on him like a tonne of bricks. This, of course, had no effect because bricks are useless against an astral projection.

"I DON'T BELIEVE THAT ANYBODY FEELS THE WAY I DO, ABOUT YOU NOWWW," he screeched, suddenly singing more like a banshee than anything else, and then he stopped. "Fuck this song," he said intelligently, "If Anakin's already had his little dead mum moment we can finally go to Geonosis and get this party started! Corn Wars time lads, letsa go!"

And then a green pipe appeared out of nowhere that the astral projection jumped into, disappearing into the great unknown, probably like a sewer or something or maybe it leads to that teeny tiny pipe in the adorable tiny woods in Paper Mario: Colour Splash, objectively the cutest game in existence.

"What are the Corn Wars?" one of the frankly bewildered Kaminoens asked, and all of the remaining Obi-Wans shrugged (even though only one Obi-Wan was visible.)

* * *

"Y'know," Passion!Anakin, who had taken over the prime spot of alpha Anakin in order to finally gtfo the sand planet so that maybe the coalescence of Ana-Angst could finally split off into the multiple Anakins it was supposed to be, said, "I don't actually remember how we got from here to Geonosis. And how did Padme get involved in that jazz?"

And then it struck him, like the sudden rememberence of an author who had, some time ago, read a fanfic where it was described in a manner that wasn't entirely clear whether it was the official happenings or not, but who was also too lazy just to google it, "Oh yes, he like, called us or something And I guess Padme must've been there too?"

The horrendous mass of Anakins had regained enough form at this point to have several distinguishable shoulders, which were all duly shrugged. _**I don't know,** _Angstakin said, several versions of the same voice overlapping terribly, _**Not all of us have future knowledge.**_

"Guess that's true," Passion!Anakin agreed, then decided that since he didn't know if Padme was just going to turn up of her own accord or not he might as well just text her, so started composing such a text.

_Yo Padderz,_ it eventually read, _me 'n the Squad (literally they've all joined together into one vaguely gelatinous mass it's disturbing really) are on our way to Geonosis It'd be Wicked Sick if you could come along, is it not? Love, Passion Anakin_

The saddest part of the entire message was that this was the work of the smoothest of all the Anakins. Also perhaps the winky face he put at the end.

* * *

It took longer than Passion!Obi-Wan was willing to admit for him to realise that just because his astral projection could travel via warp pipe, that didn't mean the rest of the Obi-Wans could. Once he did, he cut off said astral projection and finally rejoined his brethren in the mindscape.

"Y'all're boring," he pronounced. The other Obi-Wans turned round, probably surprised that he'd finally stopped meditating. "You realise we're all, like, stuck in _our mind,_ right?"

Fork!Obi-Wan nodded. "That has become quite apparent," he agreed.

"And none of you thought to like, imagine something to do?" he asked, then, to prove his point, conjured up a monopoly board. "They don't have this in any of your universes, probably," he said. "Even if it was, tenner bet you the Jedi would ban it for turning people to the dark side."

"Turning people to the dark side?" True!Obi-Wan repeated, concerned, "Why would it do that? Does it have some... dark property?"

Passion!Obi-Wan laughed. "No, its just frustrating as all heck when you lose."

"Well then," Fork!Obi-Wan said, "Might as well play a game. Pretty sure none of us are gonna go Sith for something as small as a little frustration. I mean, we've all trained some version of Anakin."

The other Obi-Wans agreed, and so Passion!Obi-Wan started doling out the fake money. 

Sandy!Obi-Wan, who had only been around for about ten minutes at this point and as such had gained only the briefest of explanations into his new situation, was only half listening as his Passion self explained the rules. _I'm sure it can't be as bad as he's describing,_ the terribly naïve Obi-Wan thought.

* * *

An hour later, Sandy!Obi-Wan was eating his words somewhat. 'Eating his words' here meaning holding an enraged Fork!Obi-Wan back as he tried to swing his lightsaber in the general direction of Passion!Obi-Wan, the somewhat smug winner of the game.

"YOU ONLY WON BECAUSE YOU STARTED ROBBING THE BANK!" Fork accused over the swooshing his laser sword made as he swung it.

Passion!Obi-Wan shrugged. "I got put in jail for it, didn't I?"

Technically, Sandy didn't mention, Passion had Not gone to jail, because of his seemingly unlimited supply of get out of jail free cards.

The other two Obi-Wans and also Mr Monopoly looked despairingly between the three involved in the fight. At some point the board had disappeared and been replaced with an actual town with the same properties as the board, along with the character on the box, who had taken the role of banker. Sandy really hoped that this didn't mean he was secretly another version of himself that would be sticking around - he wouldn't put it past the universes, having heard that there was an Anakin that was straight up a potato.

"Well that killed, like, an hour," Passion!Obi-Wan said, checking a watch he had not had previously and ignoring the still-raging Fork!Obi-Wan in the background. "How long does it take to get to Geonosis again?"

_From here?_ Potato!Obi-Wan's voice came down from the sky, _Like, several more hours. Also, what are you doing down there?_

"Playing monopoly!" Passion responded. "Well, we _were,"_ he amended, and the town disappeared (thankfully taking Mr Monopoly with it) to be replaced with The Void once more. "You want a game?"

_ No thanks, I'm much more interested in chess. _

"New chess? That can be arranged."

* * *

"... it'd be Wicked Sick if you could come along, is it not?" the communications hub in Padme's ship spoke aloud. "Love, Passion Anakin. Semi-colon. Bracket."

If she hadn't been piloting the ship, Padme would've slapped her forehead. _This_ was the guy that she'd somehow, inexplicably, nonsensically... seriously why had she fallen in love with him?

Passion!Obi-Wan, who had clearly heard her very thoughts, and also quite specifically just his disembodied head, appeared next to her in astral projection form. "Literally so you could have his children, I'm afraid. Honestly, some people think _we_ make a better couple than him and you. Don't get any ideas, though," he warned, "The only one for me... is the space time continuum."

Padme raised an eyebrow. As though his words and his... bodilessness weren't enough, he also inexplicably had a king chess piece taped to his head like a horn.

"Don't look like that!" he said, affronted, "the space time continuum is totally my bitch. Anyway, laterz."

And then he was gone.

Padme actually took the time out of her day to slap her forehead this time, then reached out to the communicator on the dashboard. "Message to the Jedi Temple," she said.

* * *

"That was NOT chess!" Potato!Obi-Wan said angrily, crossing his arms as he looked down at the board, and also his defeat. Well, he didn't really say it so much as he shouted it over the screaming of Bushes!Obi-Wan, who had just noticed a small bush, more of a dry shrub really, just off the path they were walking to the Villain HQ. But the intention was to just say it, so,

"Of course it wasn't," Passion!Obi-Wan said as though Potato was dumb, waving a hand dismissively. "It was _new_ chess. Totally different game."

_"You pissed on the board!"_ Potato said, incredulous.

Passion laughed, eyes faraway in fond remembrance. "So I did. _Classic_ move."

_Would you guys shut up down there?_ True!Obi-Wan, who had taken control of the body sometime after Passion's king decided to form his own new religion, bringing in the Mega Bishop to take the place of the 'normal, boring Roman Catholic priests', asked testily. _You're going to get us - oh shit._

"Oh shit?" the rest of the Obi-Wans repeated.

_ Dooku just saw us. Force's sake. _

"Dooku?" Passion!Obi-Wan frowned. "One of Jar-Jar's henchmen. Let me handle him."

"How about no?" Sandy!Obi-Wan said sarcastically, "You're, like, insane. Doesn't the Fork guy already know what's gonna happen? Why not let him do it?"

"Once was enough," Fork!Obi-Wan snapped back. "Besides, I'm busy." He turned round and continued using the Fork to move an errant chess piece back and forth.

* * *

In the end, it _was_ Passion!Obi-Wan who spoke with Dooku.

"Long time no see Dookie-kins," he said once he assumed control, "How goes the anti-corn allergies medicine research?"

Dooku appeared to have not predicted this as a topic of conversation. "It doesn't," he said, somewhat flatly. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, y'know," Obi-Wan said. "This 'n that. Mostly looking forwards to some fun giant pole action in a bit, ammirite?"  As Obi-Wan winked exaggeratedly, Dooku realised for the first time what the Jedi was actually wearing.

"Are you aware you aren't fully clothed?" he asked.

Obi-Wan scoffed. "Of course I am! All you need is speedos!"

Dooku studied Obi-Wan for a moment. It was a long moment. He considered dropping his evil plan to tie him to some giant pole thing and make him fight for the entertainment of the Geonosians, hopefully leading to his demise, and instead calling a psychiatrist, because clearly Qui-Gon's Padawan had gone entirely insane. Either with the grief or due to that new Sith that Sidious was attempting to convert, but he had definitely mentally snapped.

"You know," he said after his decision was made, "I'm just going to leave you for the weird bug guys to deal with."

And then he left, and his Dramatic Evil Cape waved lightly behind him as he did.

* * *

When Padme arrived on Geonosis, Anakin was waiting for her with a beautifully arranged bunch of rocks.

"I would've gotten flowers," he said as he presented him, "but then the screaming would've been unbearable."

Padme looked at the proffered arrangement. "I see," she said, trying her hardest to appreciate the gesture. It didn't entirely work.

"Well," whichever Anakin it was said, shuffling his feet awkwardly, "should we go in?"

"To rescue Obi-Wan? Yes."

And so they went in. Just like before, it didn't take them terribly long to find the mass production line of droids for the Separatist army, and also just like last time, it didn't take them terribly long to get caught.

_Fuck's sake,_ Fork!Anakin said as he and Padme were rounded onto the strange kind-of-chariot thing for their impending 'execution', _I'm taking over the body._ He did so, then asked aloud: "How did you even manage to get us caught, I told you what to watch out for!"

_The world,_ Passion!Anakin said, channeling his inner Obi-Wan, _may never know. In fact, no one will ever know. Not a one._ And then he gave an exaggerated wink. Somewhere, Passion!Obi-Wan was sobbing gently into the abyss because of the absolute lack of subtelty in that display. _Its a good thing it didn't take long though,_ he continued, winking as often as he paused for breath, _Other than that dumb bit where Padme almost got, like, killed, who even remembers what happened?_

_I do,_ Bushes!Anakin volunteered, _Much like I remember all forty nine times that I fought that beast._

* * *

When Yoda called Mace Windu away from his meditating session, the younger Jedi couldn't help but wonder what nonsense the green troll was about to burden him with.

"A message, the temple has received," said green troll said once they were alone in the council chamber. "from Senator Amidala."

Amidala. She'd been with Skywalker. _Great._ Exercising great self control, Mace simply asked: "What did she have to say?"

In response, Yoda turned on a hologram of the senator. She was alone, and appeared to be in the middle of flying a ship.

_"Obi-Wan and Anakin are off on some batshit mission. One of the Anakins with future knowledge was telling me about it before: sounds like they're going to need one hell of an extraction team."_ The hologram said, then cut off.

Mace released his anger into the Force, very, very carefully. "So, we're off to rescue them?"

"Off to rescue them, _you_ are," Yoda corrected. "To Kamino, I must go. An army, Obi-Wan speaks of. Need it we must, if the Sith we are to defeat."

Alone time with the heathenous duo. _Wonderful._ Rather than ask to swap tasks - of course Yoda would never willingly do the shitty job - Mace bowed. "I'll be right on it."

"May the Force be with you," Yoda said as he walked out.

"And with you," Mace returned, managing to sound only a little bit salty.

* * *

True!Obi-Wan watched as the new chariot came out. Unsurprisingly, it contained his padawan and his padawan's 'secret' wife. They were kissing, for Force's sake! What about that was even remotely hidden?

"What are you doing here?" he thought he'd ask anyway, as the two were chained up.

Fork!Anakin, who'd already experienced this particular song and dance before, sighed. "You know as well as I do that we were supposed to be rescuing you."

"Really?" Obi-Wan said, positively jovial, "Well, fine job you're doing. Keep at it."

Anakin decided to ignore his master's jab. "So, I guess we have to fight?"

"Would seem so!" Passion!Obi-Wan said. Anakin blinked at that (and also just generally at the random flash of blue that seemed to have crossed his vision): it didn't _seem_ that the strange Jedi was astral projecting, he was far too solid for that force-ghost-esque nonsense, but also he could see, plain as day, all the other... _all_ the other Obi-Wans?

**Obi-Wan stack** , proclaimed a speech bubble now above the Obi-Wan... stack's head.

"No offence, Anakin, but why are you a stack?" a, now that Anakin really looked at it, rather flat looking Obi-Wan asked. Now that all of them were out at once, he wasn't really sure which one was actually which.

"It's a paper style fight!" Passion!Obi-Wan, because only a Passion could have known these things, said. He sounded even more excited than usual. "Courtesy of my good pal Mario. That's what the 2D-ness is for too; we're all made of paper!"

"It's a turn based battle system," Passion!Anakin warned, "but at least we all get a go individually. And we all get to be out at once!"

True!Obi-Wan, Fork!Anakin and the sole Padme all used their first turn up escaping from the chains. That placed both Passion!Versions at the front of the stack, who each drew a lightsaber and slashed the weird beast-creature-thing they'd been pit against. Then it was True!Anakin and Fork!Obi-Wan. True!Anakin copied his previous edition, and Fork!Obi-Wan...

"Obi-Wan?" Bushes!Anakin, not technically the next in the stack but apparently a potato was just classed as an item, so now he had a weapon extra to his lightsaber, said, askance. "Are you not going to attack?"

Fork!Obi-Wan was apparently intending on using his turn to thoughtfully push a small rock forwards and backwards in the air.

("And he says _I_ have problems with frivolous use of the Force!" True!Anakin muttered to the closest Anakin, Sandy, who was rolling around on the sandy floor grinning like a maniac rather than contributing in any way.)

"This is moving around, right?" Obi-Wan said, as though he hadn't heard Anakin's question. "And when it's not the Fork, what makes things move, when you push them?"

"Uhh... forces?" Bushes!Anakin offered.

"Forces." Obi-Wan agreed sagely.

"Master..." Fork!Anakin said slowly, cautiously, "What are you saying?"

"I'm just thinking... maybe it makes sense, to call it the Force."

At that, Fork!Anakin started screaming, quite loudly. Also, Bushes!Obi-Wan, in the queue behind his Fork self, finally got bored of waiting, and shoved the Jedi round to the back of the stack. For his own turn, he used a Force suggestion on the slightly battered beast, which the text above everyones' heads informed him meant that **Rando Beast is now Rideable!**

The (technically) three all climbed onto the **Rando Beast** in a move that upgraded them from their **Stack** status to **Rider**. Unfortunately this also appeared to classify them all as a collective, as they had just the one move to share between them. Since there were now droids pouring into the arena, this wasn't terribly useful. It was now the droids' turn to attack, with a few sending easily deflectable blaster bolts in the beast's direction, and the rest taking the time to shout "Roger roger!", to little effect.

Up in the stands, another figure gained text over their head. **Jedi Windu** slashed the head straight off of **Bounty Hunter Fett** , earning him a **Rude!** bonus, and then jumped down into the pit.

"We got your message," he told Padme, the words also appearing in a speech bubble hovering above his head. Windu offered a hand, which the senator used to abandon ship on the **Rando Beast**. "brought along most of the Jedi we had on hand. And Yoda should be arriving from Kamino in a bit to get us out of here."

He glanced over at the Passion!Obi-Wan part of the Obi-Stack, back on solid ground as **Rando Beast** wandered off to cause destruction elsewhere. "I assume the world being inexplicably made of paper has something to do with you?"

**Glad you notice the handiwork!** Passion!Obi-Wan speech-bubbled, mouth only making a sort of half-rattle half-keyboard noise.

Now that his turn had come up again, Mace decided to attack a few droids instead of dignify that with a response.

"Oh, look at that!" Sandy!Anakin said, pointing directly upwards from his place on the floor, "Yoda!"

And indeed, in truly well-timed fashion, the Grand Master of the Jedi Order was flying down with a whole army of clones. The droids, noticing this too, turned their fire to the sky.

"We need to take them out before they take out our rescue ship," Windu noted.

**No problem!** Passion!Obi-Wan assured, and a box appeared just above his head. **They're all ground bound!** he continued, and then jumped twice. Somehow, each time his head hit the block the entire floor shook, damaging the droids slightly.

"Great going," Mace Windu stated dryly, "You've done two damage and knocked precisely zero of them out."

Passion!Obi-Wan smiled, both smug and a bit condescending, and pointed just above all their heads. **Crumpled! Can't move!** the sky informed them, hundreds of times over in a horrendously overlapping 2D mess.

Mace busily remained unimpressed even as their escape ship was given easy access to the group, and the four (stacks not included) climbed up into the ship. As the Obi-Wan Stack, the Passion member specifically, left the fight, everything became 3D again. Those at the top of the two stacks, True! for both Obi-Wan and Anakin, took over. This also had the side effect of removing Sandy!Anakin from the sand he had refused to remove himself from, disappointing him greatly.

_Let me back out there!_ Sandy!Anakin demanded as the ship took off - hastily to get out of the way of the now-uncrumpled droids that had restarted their attack, thankfully mostly on the clone troopers dropping into battle. _I need to be with my darling sand!_

The Jedi on the clone ship stared down at the sand as they moved away from it. (Well, most of them did, Not So Sandy!Anakin was strapping himself firmly into a seat so that his sand loving self wouldn't be able to jump out of the ship if he regained control.)

"Begun," Yoda said, in his most dramatic and foreboding voice, "the clone wars have."

"The _clone_ wars?" Passion!Obi-Wan said, retreating from his astral projection to just straight up take over the Obi Wan body proper. "The fuck? No guys, it's supposed to be the _corn_ wars."

Mace Windu shot him a Look. "Why would it be called the corn wars? There's no corn here."

Obi-Wan frowned, having just assessed the time line and confirmed that, yes, for some ungodly reason there was no corn involved in the upcoming war. "Well, fuck _that,"_ he opined, "how are y'all supposed to meet ya boi Danny if there's no corn wars?"

"Don't you have a super-powerful thing going on?" Still Not Sandy And Also Apparently Not Passion!Ankin asked, giving up in his efforts to convince the clones to weld him down to the seat with a bit of metal.

"That's _right!"_ Obi-Wan said, holding up a finger in inspiration. _"This_ universe might not have any Corn Wars, but _mine_ still does!"

"That's not quite what I meant -" Anakin started, but it was too late. Obi-Wan reared back his raised hand and delivered a short, sharp but also unfathomably powerful slap to what to the novice observer appeared to be just the air in front of him, but was actually in fact the space-time continuum itself. The fabric of space and time tore apart at his touch, just for an instant, and then everything got reassembled.

"Much better!" Obi-Wan said brightly, the only one not currently scrambling to find some sense in what had just occurred, "Now, where were we? Ah yes. Hit it Yoda!"

The Grand Master of the entire Jedi order blinked once, still reeling, and spoke in the same tone as he had a few seconds previously and one universe over: "Begun, the Corn Wars have."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Obi-Wans are:
> 
> Bushes!Obi-Wan: he's just Obi-Wan from the Bushes of Love bad lip reading song. What can I say except 2016-ish me listened to that song multiple times a day every day and I still have the lyrics memorised  
> Sandy!Obi-Wan: from an AU where Anakin loves sand. Not much different from your regular Obi-Wan but hoo boy is his padawan different

**Author's Note:**

> True!Obi-Wan: just your standard, run of the mill Obi-Wan trying to make his way through the plot of Attack of the Clones. This is his universe.  
> Fork!Obi-Wan: comes from an alternate universe where everything is the same except the Force is called the Fork, because I like the idea of Anakin using the Force to lift them fruits in this film but he's like, 'this is inappropriate use of the Fork'. He's been plucked from the Clone Wars.  
> Potato!Obi-Wan: poor man's been trying to give Jedi training to an actual potato, and somehow he's succeeded. Who knows where he is in his own universe's timeline, certainly not I.  
> Passion!Obi-Wan: he's from an alternate universe created jointly by me and my friends about the time I wrote this. There's a Lot to the story but all you really need to know is Passion!Obi-Wan either is a god or could kill a god and I do not CARE if there is a difference.
> 
> If there's anything else you need explaining you can leave a comment I guess? Being pretty bold here assuming that anyone is gonna read it at all but you never know.  
> If you're at this point on the page because you read though the whole thing then like. Congrats but also I Apologise.


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